return to love

 Love is a state of being ~

I have a tattoo in a language that I don’t speak. I had it done in my early 20’s, during my extreme depression. I had it translated by a friend who was studying the language. It was meant to say “love learn and let go”. Years later I had someone whose native language was that of my tattoo, tell me what it actually says. “Learn to love and be free” is the literal translation.

It’s been a few years since my first Saturn return ended but the affects are still carried with me. Around the time of my first Saturn return, that cloud of depression started to fade, not completely, but some. Things weren’t quite as dark, there was little streaks of light coming through. And of course things happened. A 12 year friendship ended. I met my now husband. A shift started to happen in my thinking and way of being. I started to open to those little streaks of light and what I found in them was love. I started to love, everything. It’s not that I didn’t know how to love, it was like discovering that I could do something that I didn’t know I could do. I started to learn how to meet things with love, even the most difficult things. I began see things through a lens of love instead of judgement, and it was easier for me to accept things the way they were. This doesn’t mean that I sat passively and allowed bad things to happen, this doesn’t mean I didn’t continue to wash the dishes just because I could see the dirty ones with love. And it didn’t make everything perfect, there were still struggles, but how I dealt with those struggles changed and I was able to see myself with love and ask for help. After my second was born, I met my depression with love and for the first time accepted the help of anti-depressants that it needed.

In the shadow of my Saturn return leaving, I continued my work with meeting things with love and doing what was needed. It became like breathing, I didn’t need to think about it. But this past year, I kinda forgot how to breathe. It was very hard to see things and meet them without a lens of sadness and anger. Recently I have been trying to shift my focus back, to relearn learning to love. It’s been like remembering how to ride a bicycle, I’m still a little wobbly but the motions are still there and I’m moving. I am returning to love.

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Mom, wife, artist, writer and witchy woman

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