It’s been hard to focus on anything lately. I haven’t been writing, or reading. I can’t meditate. Haven’t been able to even focus on watching tv. I finished a weaving and started two new ones but haven’t touched them in a few days. I started doing yoga again, before all this lockdown stuff started, but haven’t done it in about a week. And I was just starting to get my balance back. It’s been hard to focus on anything. I feel like I am just slowly moving through the day without any intentions. I know that that’s fine, it really is ok to just be. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. It’s ok to just be. It’s ok. I didn’t leave the house much before this. A couple trips to the grocery store a week was about all I did for leaving the house. So not much has really changed, except for a mental shift. It’s mostly anxiety, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this virus didn’t scare me. It does. I go to bed worried that I will wake up with symptoms, I wake up with anxiety wondering what the day will bring. I haven’t been able to focus myself to meet the days the way I use to. Meeting the days with compassion and gentleness seems like something I have forgotten how to do. But I think that’s ok. Maybe I’ll remember someday, maybe not. It’s ok. It hasn’t been easy watching the suffering and uncertainty that has engulfed the world, I don’t think it’s been easy for anyone. And no matter how hard I try, it’s all my mind wants to focus on. I sat in the sun the other day and drank my tea, it felt good, to not focus on anything but the warm sun and the taste of the bitter tea. Yesterday it snowed, so I’ll have to wait for the sun to come back, and I’m back to where I was before the sun. It’s ok. I’m trying to have humor with things, but it’s forced and hard. I clean a little here and there, and the kids do kid things. We mostly just hang out. We do a little schoolwork when we all feel like it. I was already homeschooling my oldest, and the youngest was in preschool. To be honest it’s just not something that is high priority right now and not something I’m willing to stress over. So we do the schoolwork when we feel like it. And the days we don’t feel like it, we just hang out. That’s ok. I have been sleeping, nightmares aside, I wasn’t expecting sleep. I haven’t really been sleeping well though, I wake up a few times throughout the night after nightmares or anxiety dreams. And haven’t slept in. But it’s ok. I haven’t picked up my tarot cards in I don’t know how long. And that’s ok too.
I don’t mean that what’s happening in the world is ok. I mean, I am trying to be ok with whatever feelings and thoughts come into me. Trying to be ok with not being able to focus. Trying to be ok with going through the days without intention. Trying to be ok with just being.